Dating for the More Mature Crowd
It’s been brought to my attention that there are still a number of us, teh lesbians, who are currently single—that includes single, single again, and single for tonight. I’m not going to name names, you know who you are (not me, of course). It’s brutal out there I tell ya’. Well, unless you are in the under-25 demographic. It appears that there are lots of options out there in that age group. Gotta love the fact being a lezzy is the new black for the college crowd.
Also, those youngsters, well, they haven’t experienced the uniqueness of being in the community for that long. Or had the number of heartbreaks. They haven’t experienced the U-Haul factor. Or, breaking up at least three times before you’re sure it’s not going to work and still pining away after that for something that you probably could have avoided in the in the first place if you hadn’t had that third Jack Daniels the night you met. Maybe it was the “OMG, my girlfriend has gone straight,” thing that makes us question our abilities as a lesbian that sent us over the edge. Or the fact our ex went back to her ex and her ex hooked up with your best friend. Or, to take it a bit further that if we’ve been in one place for any length of time, we’ve probably met and possibly dated every single woman in the area—or our last girlfriend did. And, at some point, experienced the penultimate in lesbian relationship disasters: Lesbian Bed Death.
It’s different once you’re beyond the age you can walk into the girl bar and survey the room, scoping out the five or six of interest and actually have a shot at them. When you stop looking at women for their hot bodies and wonder if they like to walk the dog on Sunday mornings and read the paper in bed or have good health insurance. Or if they are jiggy with the fact you like to be asleep by 10 pm. Nor do the youngsters have to contend with the fact that at some point we realize that 95% of the women we’re going to meet from here on out might be candidates for orthopedic stockings in the nearer-than-you’d-like future and their AARP cards have already arrived.
The kids haven’t gone on innumerable coffee dates with 40 or 50-somethings who we know we’ll probably never see again because she just didn’t look as good as her picture after all. But, we keep going through the motions anyway on the off chance we can put away our cynicism or damaged heart long enough to get a second date. Or, we decide the effort’s just too great and we’d rather be alone than go through the process one more time.
But, then, we strike out again, and the fact that she is a little quirky and always puts the toilet paper on “under” instead of “over” just isn’t so important anymore. We look at compatibility, the long term, and whether we can see her sitting in our double rocker on the front porch down the road in our twilight years. We start thinking outside of a day-at-a-time and wonder how we’ll meld our families, our households full of a lifetime of things, or whether they will be able to look at us at our worst first thing in the morning and still kiss us good morning, bad breath and all, and tell us, “I love you.”
The majority of us want this elusive thing called love and to shape it into this enduring thing, but rarely to any of us make it work for that long haul. To those who do, I salute you! But, all hope is not lost, because sometimes, we get lucky and it all clicks together through happenstance or sheer determination. So on that off chance, I’m going to keep trying, but, I’m buying those orthopedic stockings in advance just in case; I hear for the older crowd it’s the new black.
![[Valid RSS]](valid-rss-rogers.png "Validate my RSS feed")
Well, I do have a partner, so am not officially single…BUT…my priorities have changed. I don’t care so much about my partner’s ability to give me multiple orgasms. I care that she shovels snow when it isn’t her turn if my back hurts. Instead of looking for some new Mexican restaurant to try, we keep in mind that she is lactose intolerant and I get heartburn if I eat too many onions. And yes, the health insurance thing. It matters. Especially since one slip on the ice could land us in the ER.
I was commenting to my father that just when you get your brain where you’d like it to be, your body starts falling apart. He laughed as though I’d finally said something in nearly 50 years, that made some sort of sense. Oh, and get Bing a snowblower and you’ll never have to worry about it again.
Reading this, I discovered how very fast I can read while maintaining a decent comprehension level, because I just wanted to get far enough along to scoll down past that picture. Does this make me shallow?
Now, after finishing, I just want to take a personal day here at work and speed home to my baby girl, who will always be my baby girl no matter how long we’re together or how old we get. Does this make me irresponsible?
Srsly, though, I love the fact that all those young lesbians out there seem so much less self-conscious and angsty than their elders. A Facebook friend of mine is still in high school and very out. It never fails to make me smile when I read her exuberant status updates about her girlfriend. Things like “band practice AGAIN today!!! LOL, so I don’t get to see her for an whole HOUR.” Beautiful things like that.
I know – there is a young couple of friends on my personal FB account who are just like that. They can’t breathe right until they are together again. And tell everyone. And their families support them. And they want to get MARRIED and in a couple of places, they can. That is so cool.
Not living the tres les life for so very long, yet being one of the mature to which you refer, I feel like I’ve been visiting both camps.
The various visits have been at times fun, but also frustrating.
Still, the journey continues.
You are lucky you live in a vibrant and very gay place. So many groups and activities and WOMEN. I hope you have fun…you deserve it!
As someone who is pushing 50 and has been in a relationship for 15 years, I have moments when I envy the young ones who are experiencing the excitement of just coming out.
Do I want to go back and do it over again? No. I’ve worked hard to acquire the wisdom and understanding that I have today which makes life and relationship so much easier and I have the battle scars to prove it. So, although being young and naive and carefree was lots of fun the growing pains that go with it are something I’d rather not experience again.
I’m glad the new generation feels much freer than I did when I was in high school. Now when I walk down the street holding my wife’s hand I think of them and feel less afraid of what other people will think. Hopefully the feelings of somehow being responsible for protecting others from dealing with their response to our gayness is dissipating… it is their issue and not ours right?
Now for my next point…. whoever invented the term “lesbian bed death” should be shot!
Is it not hard enough to be in a long term relationship without having to worry about something like that? Sex slows down and sometimes dissipates from heterosexual relationship as well, but do they label it as “DEATH”?
Sexual relationships NATURALLY slow down with time… the need to f**k each other every five minutes when first in a relationship comes from a natural desire to mate, claim and connect. As the connection deepens to a more emotional, spiritual and psychological one, the need to connect physically is not as great. Lets not forget the fact that as 2 women in a relationship who eventually go through menopause together, there are times when you don’t even want to be looked at never mind touched. So, why put added pressure on the relationship by trying to force a more active sexual relationship when by nature it is not supposed to be. If your relationship is strong in your emotional, spiritual and psychological connection then you won’t feel the lack of a sexual connection quite as much and your relationship will survive. Don’t get me wrong, my sexual relationship is just as important as an emotional one but in my experience putting too much pressure on my partner to have sex with me only pushes her farther away. Instead by accepting it as it is and letting things happen naturally is much better.
I have witnessed too many relationships end because the couple has bought into the “Lesbian Death” syndrome. Take it from me, pay more attention to the other aspects of your relationship making sure you have strong connections in other ways than sex because when your sex life slows down and it WILL then your relationship will most likely survive.
Thanks for letting me rant!
Thanks for coming by and reading. For me, I think that women together going through menopause can still have an active sexual relationship – if they want one. Two people though. Two ideas of what that looks like. While I certainly don’t have the drive I had pre-menopause, I still desire sex. And, for me, a partner who also has that interest would be important for me to find. Otherwise, I’d live with my best pal who already puts up with my day-to-day shenanigans. Vive la différence!
And come by and rant anytime – it was very nice to have you express your opinion!
Welcome Lise.
The strong, valid points you make here have me thinking of how non-homogenous we homosexuals are. I tend to love joking about the stereotypical aspects of being lesbian, even as I realize that there’s just as much diversity within our group as there is in society at large. And I believe that as we continue on the road to a culture that feels at ease with its GLBTQ members, that gay heterogeneity will become more strongly understood.
But still…the ‘inside’ stereotypes feel like inside jokes in their familiarity and their (sometimes) tendency to be true. Just a few weeks ago, I introduced a straight friend of mine to the concept of the U-haul lesbian. It cracked her up and she uses it now across the sexual-preference divide – a positive thing, in my opinion. She’d have no problem calling a clingy guy out as a U-haul lesbian!
Where do we get the idea that if we’re not having sex so many times a week then there must be something wrong with our relationship? Is that a standard that was set by heterosexual couples that we have bought into?
I think it’s important that we find what works for us.
“For me, I think that women together going through menopause can still have an active sexual relationship – if they want one. ”
Being sexual in a relationship is essential, but the activity levels vary. I would have never dreamt that I would one day go for long periods of time when I feel that my body is shut down and I feel like a non-sexual being…. hello peri-menopause!! I used to fight it, deny it and resent it until I realized that I had to accept it as part of my natural cycle. When I was going through that cycle, did I want sex? Damn right I did, but what my head wanted my body could not deliver. I think most of us have some fantasized idea of what we want sexually, but how realistic is it?
Come to think about it, maybe there needs to be more open discussion between lesbians or women in general about what we go through sexually as we age. Maybe with a better understanding of what we’re dealing with and a knowledge of what is “normal” in our relationships we wouldn’t be so hard on ourselves and each other.
Has someone written anything on the subject? For lesbians that is?
Hi Lise – I don’t think anyone said anything about how many times a week works – or how many times per month or per year. I think what was said was that it’s for those two people in that relationship to decide what that looks like. And, just as you are going through your own experience with peri-menopause, each of us travels down our own road in that regard.
But, I agree, it’s not something generally discussed among women in day-to-day conversation, lesbian or straight. I think the most important conversation to have would be with your partner. We all define our own “normal.”
I did a quick Google Search and there is a plethora of information out there about the hows, whys, and what help is out there both homeopathically and medicinally. But, I’m sure your GYN is also going to be a good resource since he/she knows your medical history and probably has a good understanding of the process.
You’ve share some good points and again, thanks for your input!
I’m not in reach of my bookshelf at the moment, but I’d be willing to bet that Natalie Angier’s Woman: An Intimate Geography addresses this, only not from a lesbian point of view. Not sure it really requires a strictly lesbian POV, except that there is double the hormonal flux to manage in a sexual relationship between two women.
Argh….don’t get me started! It’s gotten to the point where even thinking about dating makes my head hurt. In a two-university town, most events are geared towards students. All my friends, seriously, are married and/or have kids. I haven’t dated in almost twelve years. I only came out two years ago. I’m too old for this!!!!
Hey Camlin – I know what to do – be like Nike. Just do it. Get a couple under your belt, it won’t be so scary! We can form a support group and you can put all of our cell numbers on speed dial for your long drive to that first date!
aahhh … you youngsters! only imagine girls, what it must be like to be on the wrong side of sixty!
actually, other than a shortage of women prepared to date a senior citizen, it ain’t too bad.
seriously though, finding myself single has it’s challenges. there i was relaxing into early nights and middle age spread and bam … back in the dating game!
where have all the lesbians gone?
tucked away in the mist shrouded hills of scotland from the sound of things, from whence they enjoy hill walking and other unthinkable forms of exercise.
while my foot heals and i am unable to exercise i am ‘eating healthy’ or as it is more commonly known ’starving’. four more weeks and i will be at the gym working on abs and love handles. after that … who knows. maybe i could lie about my age, i think i could get away with 55!
I’m sure you will be out there having fun and meeting nice, interesting women before you know it!