Reuniting With Iowa

I spent the last nine days in my home state of Iowa reconnecting with family and friends. My partner Joe and I both grew up in Iowa, but have been living in Seattle for the last three years.

The last time we were home was in April of 2009. We departed Iowa the day the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously ruled to grant same sex couples the right to marry. We proposed to each other on the Iowa Capitol Steps on the way to the Des Moines airport that day.

This trip we picked up our marriage license. It has not been signed by our witnesses, so legally we are not married in Iowa… yet. We plan to make it “official” next summer. Our relationship is currently protected under Washington State’s Domestic Partnership law, so we both feel like we have the time to plan a proper celebration of our commitment.

Visiting home is always strange. I felt like I went through a time warp. The first weekend home was my 15-year high school class reunion. I left Cedar Rapids right after graduation, so I had not seen many of my old friends since then.

I was in the closet during high school. It was different then. Kids come out when they are in middle school now. That was not an option for me.

Naturally, I was a bit nervous going back to my reunion. Would I be judged? How would people react to my partner? I was quickly reminded all these feelings had nothing to do with the people I graduated with. Those doubts were simply evidence of the remaining internalized homophobia left over from that part of my life. In fact, it was extraordinarily healing to be surrounded by my old classmates.

“So when are you two getting married,” a friend asked.

“Well, we have a domestic partnership now,” I replied.

“I know, but when are you getting married,” she asked.

“Soon,” I said.

“Great!”

I had dozens of similar conversations last weekend and throughout. Sometimes I had to explain what a domestic partnership is. “A domestic partnership is similar to a marriage in Washington state. It provides us with the same legal protections the state offers straight couples, without the word ‘marriage,” I explained. “In Washington, the voters were not ready for the word ‘marriage.’ Washington’s state constitution is not as good at protecting minorities as Iowa’s. The majority can easily take away rights from a minority by simply voting them away.”

The look in their eyes said it all. “Really? That’s just dumb.”

There is power in the word marriage in our culture. People immediately understand what you mean when you say you are married.

I am looking forward to having one of my own, if for no other reason than to spare myself from the long-winded explanation I have to provide over and over again about the Domestic Partnership law. It really is dumb.

Tags: Domestic Partnership, Iowa, Iowa Supreme Court, Marriage Equality